Gepubliceerd op 16 juni 2019 | by Wiesje
We were expecting a baby, but got an angel instead.
Probably the most difficult and most personal story that I’ve ever shared before. However, this is difficult for me, finding myself together with my man in this difficult situation, I feel that this subject is one of the subject’s people are often scared to talk about as they feel ashamed and often alone. I feel that I would like to share my story, because if this would only help one person, I would feel better. Today I am sharing our story about our silent miscarriage.
I have no idea how to start writing this, but I am sure that I am able to share my thoughts with you, however it might be a little messy. We go back to the very beginning, around Easter time I had the biggest blessing ever, and that was finding out that me and my boyfriend Justice are becoming a family. On my pregnancy test I had two pink stripes, on the other seven tests I did after the first one, I had seven times straight, two stripes. I am really, really pregnant!
Surprised, scared, excited, blessed and everything at the same time.
Google was my best friend, what am I supposed to be eating now, and what am I supposed to leave in the fridge? As soon as I found out that there was a human growing in my belly, I changed into a different person, this huge responsibility came all over me and everything was about a healthy and good lifestyle for the little one. I am so blessed to fall pregnant, let me do this right, let me do this actually perfect.
In May I flew back home to Holland, where I shared the news, finally with my parents, sister and her partner, and my brother. My brother and sister already knew that they were to become uncle and auntie, as I could just not resist the excitement towards them. I am telling you guys, this was emotional. My parents will finally become grandmother and grandfather, I do think this is one of the biggest presents we could actually give them, and I was so happy and so proud. I just couldn’t be happier.
Around my birthday weekend things got difficult and I ended up – again, at the A&E department, I had extremely heavy bleeding which started by a family barbeque from my boyfriend’s family. We spent the full afternoon at the A&E department and they told us that things did not look good for us and the baby. I was around 8 weeks pregnant at the time, we knew there was a heartbeat, we knew our baby was growing and strong, because we saw this all on the scan that we had a week before. The day in the hospital was awful, they all confirmed that there was 99% change that we lost our baby, but somehow me and Justice did not lose hope, we were sure that our baby was fine, we needed a scan to see the baby, and just knew, even that everyone told us different, the baby was there, growing and being happy in my body.
We needed to stay overnight in the hospital and with Justice next to me, I kept hoping for a miracle. Our nurse told us that in her over ten years’ career of being a nurse, she heard this before, one of her patients lost so much blood and the next day the baby was all fine and a couple months later she gave birth to a healthy little human. I was sure that I was also an exception, we kept being stubborn and in the morning we finally had our scan. Again, they prepared us for the worst. Jus grabbed my hand, and as soon as the screen popped on, they turned the screen and showed us our very happy and healthy baby. Bouncing up and down, tears from happiness, our baby was fine. Our baby is a soldier and a fighter, a very strong human. I couldn’t be happier. We left the room with a little picture from the baby in my belly, and I felt extremely blessed, blessed for Justice, and blessed for our baby.
The two weeks after that I soon reached the ten weeks of pregnancy, I could not be happier. The sickness was difficult, and so was my energy level, which was basically not even there. I was so, so tired and just felt like sleeping all the time but I managed fine. I started buying little bits for the baby, I could just not help myself, everything was so cute!
For our ten weeks’ scan, which was a check-up after the trouble we had around the 8 weeks, we invited Justice’s mum, I thought this was a lovely experience to bring her with us, and she could already meet her future grandchild on the screen.
Me being me, of course I felt a little nervous for the scan. It is just such an experience and I can not even explain why I was feeling nervous; I guess that is absolutely normal. Everything is so special and so new. Together with Jus and his mum we made our way to the room, I jumped on the bed and was very ready to see our little one again. However, things turned around really quick. The lady turned on the screen, and after a couple of seconds she said the words I literally will never, ever forget, and wish that I never heard; ‘there is no heartbeat’I turned my head to Justice, somehow believing that he would tell me different.Excuse me?Is what I said, and she repeated herself, with the exact same words…. ‘I am sorry, there is no heartbeat anymore,’ I start panicking and the rest of this moment is a little bit of a blur for me. I remember that we asked for a second opinion, a nurse came in the room and ‘confirmed’ the news. I kept being stubborn and told the lady that she must have made a mistake, our baby is not dead. The screen is probably not working, the sound is off, she was probably looking at another body part of mine, our baby is fine.
We asked to see the consultant in the afternoon for an extra scan, as we just did not believe this. However, after all this, the fear and tears took over and we literally felt sick for the next four hours….how the hell are we going to wait for another four hours for our extra scan.
That afternoon we received a confirmation from the consultant that our baby’s heart stopped beating a couple days before the scan, maybe even one or two days before. It had grown so much since our last scan, and everything looked fine. We had a silent miscarriage, this means that the baby’s heart stopped beating, but you do not have the signs of a miscarriage, your body still thinks that it is pregnant, and you will actually not know that your baby is not alive anymore.
Heartbroken is the only word I can find in this situation, there is so much disbelief when something like this happens, I can not even explain the pain and guilt I felt and still feel. Why did this happen, and what did I do wrong. That is probably the first question I asked the consultant, why did this happen, and what should I have done different? I watched my diet like a mad woman, I was obsessed with anything what should be good for me and my baby, how could things turn out this way?
From there, you will need to make a decision you wish you never needed to make in your life, you get three choices, which are all very cruel, and it is up to you which one you will choose. In your mind and body, you are still pregnant, you still carry your baby, so choosing how you would like to ‘proceed’ with the miscarriage, is a real nightmare. The only thing I could hold on at that moment was that I was not alone, I could not wish for a better partner than Justice, and in every step of the pregnancy he was there, good and bad, real tough times he’s always been there and he will always be there. We talked for hours, cried for hours, and we do it all together.
It has been extremely difficult, and writing this is for me was also extremely difficult. I cannot explain what kind of loss I felt going into the hospital to get the procedure done, waking up from the procedure and realising your baby is not in your belly anymore, but now officially an angel. As soon as we found out that we were expecting, your life starts to change and the love you feel for something that you never have met, is something I can’t describe. I am writing this again with tears rolling over my face, as it is the biggest blessing to fall pregnant with the actual love of my life. I loved every part of it, and for now I can say that a miscarriage is very bad luck. Statistics wouldn’t soften the pain, it would not make it any easier, but I was so surprised that dealing with a situation like this, I felt that people often don’t talk about it. Personally I never understood the ‘twelve weeks’ rule’ as I found out myself, as soon as you find out that you are pregnant, you want to share this, celebrate this and it does not matter how many weeks you are, it is an absolute miracle growing in your body, and you will love this little human endless from the day that you find out it is there, growing in you.
Our due date was the 25thof December, this was all just so perfect for me, everyone who knows me, knows how much I love Christmas, so this was the biggest present I could ever ask for. It will never be forgotten, and although I’m sure things will work out in the future for us, it will always be our first baby, who is now an angel, which we loved so very much. I can only be forever thankful for experiencing this ten weeks of pregnancy, with the best partner in the world, who was there with me every step, and the best family and friends around us, which works as a huge plaster. So much love around us and between us, that makes me realize how very lucky and blessed I am.
We will always carry this with us, and we will never forget this, but together we are looking forward to a very bright future, full with love and everything what makes us happy.
If you are dealing with a similar situation, please do not think that you are alone, try to let go of the guilt feeling, as somehow nature is very strong and we can not control this. Please keep always believing that something wonderful is going to happen, and feel free to email or message me, as no one should deal with a situation like this alone.
Thank you so much for reading, I really appreciate it.
With so, so much love, Wiesje